Holmes’ Irregulars: lyrics

 

Disclaimer: These were lyrics written at university especially for a comic song based on a given theme, namely “The Obvious Tension Between Dr Watson and Mr Holmes.” They represent no great insight in A. C. Doyle’s characters and are, crucially, harmless fun. 

 

Dear Watson, Oh Watson, I read on your face

That this is becoming a two-pipe case.

 

I observed with delight how you’d linger around

With all the restraint of a Baskerville hound.

Dear Watson, I don’t suppose we’ve ever talked

At great length about other old dears I have stalked?

I know when we painted the study so scarlet

That you were a military man and a harlot.

 

Dear Watson, Oh Watson, I read on your face

That this is becoming a two-pipe case.

 

Dear Watson, I don’t think we’ve ever discussed

Those two or three days you were really concussed.

I knew at the scene of the Reichenbach Fall

How well you perform when you’re pressed to the wall.

One hundred and forty odd classes of ashes

Couldn’t tickle me more than your manly moustaches.

Dear Watson, please reason: observe if you please

How I rip off your waistcoat and get on my knees.

 

Dear Watson, Oh Watson, it’s all over your face

That this is becoming a two-pipe case.

 

You’ve been such a help through all of our cases:

Now, as for that corset, help me out with the laces.

I was taken aback with the Sign of Four:

I’d asked for two rentboys, you gave me two more.

And hand me the case of the silvery stocking:

I’ll show you an outcome that’s utterly shocking.

 

Dear Watson, Oh Watson, I’ve read every trace,

And this truly is an irregular case.

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